walking empty shell...

being not myself lately. ive been getting energy and vigor from self-affirmation. telling myself "be energetic, be lively, be cool-headed." i think ive lost my self in the past 2 years that ive been teaching. before, i used to feel so fulfilled to teach. but now...i dont know whats happening to myself anymore. its not that i dont want to teach anymore, i still do. im still passionate about it. but people around me and things that are happening drowns me. like what ive said "mag-treading tayo sa dami!"

when somethings around me, i tend to look at myself. i want to be happy, i want to be satisfied at every end of the day. and i think im the one causing this.

i think what makes me sad is that i dont feel that i dont have any friend in my students anymore. i feel that i dont connect to them anymore. i feel that they only see me as a teacher ONLY now. and that i have completely failed my principles, what i have built during my days in college.

whats worse is that ive let people who are unworthy destroy my principles. in the end, i still cared and still gave them time that they did not deserve. i thought about them and how i have no love for them anymore. i was slapped in the face with my own concern and love.

i was looking at my multiply page. and i stumbled on old memories. "wala na akong memories, binura ko na" is what i said to one of them when we talked because i had a substitution for their club. and its kind of true, i am currently trying to forget anything memory that we have had two years ago. like what i told a friend, i dont know if they are good at all when they were in first year. they were my first batch, i dont have any basis of character. they were my first batch, wherein i have poured a lot of love and effort. wherein i have met a lot of good and caring people (or so i thought). in the end, there was the hurt.

and im being unfair to the others. ive let myself that is afraid to love and concern affect them and my concern for them. im afraid to reach out now because they might not let me anymore.
im afraid to try to change my kids to do good because they might fake it. im afraid to talk to them because they might not answer. im afraid to care because they might stab me at the back again.

i feel so depressed a lot lately. ~_~ although there are people who give a spark of laughter and joy once in a while, they are not enough to bring back the old me. maybe sir pj was right, i should build a new one. a new me. a better me. to make me happy again.

~ ~ ~

on a particular sunny day
happiness greater than magic
will pour down endlessly.
its not impossible!

~ ~ ~

gusto ko yun, magic!
- hahaha. sige sana matupad. salamat.

~ ~ ~

isshouni asobo!