sarangani...

I made this in my laptop. I don’t have access to internet during weekdays and I need to write this down.

I feel like I am about to explode. There are many things that I have inside but I was not able to tell it all. I have a lot of things to say to them and yet time does not want side with me. It has always been like this, fate seems to go against me and them. Typhoons have always been during Mondays, Thursdays and/or Fridays. There are times that classes are cut on my Sarangani time. And these are the only times that I was able to be with them, and yet I was deprived of it.

I have so many regrets. I feel that I have wasted a lot of time and I was not able to spend time with them. Of all the seven sections, they were the ones that I was not able to spend time with. And they are the only section that I felt shy in approaching because I did not feel that they want me with them.

Its all my fault. During the first quarters, I was not able to reach out to them. Maybe because they were very close to their adviser and at some rate I was jealous. Of all the other advisers, their adviser was the one that was with them all the time. And I feel shy even more when their adviser is there, I cannot approach them and hang out with them. This went on, until this. The end. I tried so hard to be close to them. I tried so hard to know each and have some kind of connection with most of them. But there were some that I got offended. And they were two of my most favorite students in the batch (yes, I have favorites. And now I can say this freely for the school year has ended).

I had an activity, the ever famous “kandila” activity that I adopted from Plaridel (DLSU school paper) yearend teambuilding seminars. I thought that the students would not take I seriously. And I thought that when lunch time comes, and we are still not finished, I thought that they’d would rather have lunch and than continue.

Things took a different turn. Sarangani were serious when they were doing this. And this made my heart even heavier. I was not able think clearly because I was holding back my emotions, my tears. As every student spoke out and as each one poured their heart out and spoke honestly, the regrets that I had become even more of a big deal to me. The situation is telling me that I do not know them, I do not know anything about them. I feel so left out. Unlike in other sections, I can really relate to them and the things that are happening to them. Pero sa kanila, parang wala talaga. Nakakainis. Nakakaiyak. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko man lang sila nakilala ng husto. Gusto kong umiyak ng umiyak. Pero nahihiya akong umiyak sa harap nila. Kasi parang pinapakita ko na weak ako. Eh teacher nila ako, dapat malakas ako. Pero hindi ko kinaya, kaya pinag-lunch ko na sila bago pa ako humagulgol dun. Kasi hindi ko na talaga kaya. Lalo pa nung lapitan ako ni vina. Sobra sobrang lungkot ko. Tapos hindi ko naman magawan ng paraan, kaya nung ni-relate ko sa kandila, sabi ko “…ayan, mauubos na yung kandila. Wala na akong magagawa…” tapos tumigil na ako. Hindi ko kaya, promise.

Sorry sa iba, pero favorite ko sila. Kasi sila ang pinaka-malayo sa akin. Gusto ko silang kilalanin pero nagpalampas ako ng maraming pagkakataon. Saying. Sayang talaga.

I want to tell them this, and a lot more. I have a lot of things to say to them. Even individually. Lalo akong nasaktan nung umiyak si Ianne, tapos sinabi nya na yung mga teachers nila ayaw na sa kanila, iba na ang pakikitungo. Parang ako, sinasabi ko sa loob ko at parang gusto kong sabihin out loud na “ako, gusto ko sa inyo. Bakit hindi nyo ako napapansin? Handa akong bigyan kayo ng pagkakataon na ipakita ang sarili ninyo tulad ng sa ibang section. Bakit hindi nyo ako nakikita?”

Tapos kapag nababanggit nila ako sa kandila nila, sinasabi lang nila “salamat, sir…..ayun. thank you po.” Hanggang dun lang. Hindi na nila ma-explain. Kasalanan ko yun. Nasasaktan talaga ako. Ang sakit sa akin. Dahil sa pag-iinarte ko. Dahil sa sobrang possessive ko at sobrang seloso ko sa adviser nila. There! Inaamin ko na, sabi nga ni sir leo, ganyan daw ako. Nagseselos ako noon, kasi lagi nila kadikit si adviser. Eh ako, subject teacher lang nila, madalas pang hindi nakikita. Tapos takot pa ako sa adviser nila. Ive let these factors get in my way and now regret is eating me up alive from the inside. Noon, sila lang yung isang section na hindi ko nababantayan mag-overstay kasi si adviser lagi ang kasama. Tapos kapag dadaan ako sa classroom nila tuwing break, andun din kaya nahihiya ako lapitan.

Regret. Regret. I feel sad mostly because of this. But generally, I feel sad because my kids will now leave me. They are ready to fly out of the nest. Leaving me hoping that someday, we would cross paths again and that we would still remember that days that we have spent together before.

~ ~ ~

James, sorry. Sorry dahil lagi kita nakikita at lagi kita pinagtitripan. Nasaktan ako nung nalaman kong galit ka pala sa akin dahil dun. Kaya pala nakasimangot ka lagi pag nakakasaluong mo ako. Sorry james. Pero alam mo, kung hindi mo lang alam. Im very proud of you and of the talents that you have. Lalo na nung intrams. Kaya favorite ko yung volleyball boys na team kasi andun ka. Kasi sabi ng mga batchmates mo magaling daw kayo maglaro. Tapos ang galling mo pa mag-drums. Lalo na sa mga kwento ni sir pj, na namumula ka na raw sa kakahampas nung drums pero kinaya mo. Tapos nung nakita ko yung seton notes nung grade 4 kayo, na nanalo ka sa golf. Ang galing mo, james. Para akong magulang mo, super proud ako kahit matagal na yun. Syempre pati yung talents mo na meron ka ngayon. Ibang klase. Tapos sabi ni ms lhou nagagawa mo pa ring ibalance ang studies mo. Galing! Sorry talaga, james.

Franz, sorry. Sorry nung pinahiya kita. Sorry din nung pinilit kong pitikin yung tenga mo. Alam kong nairita ka na. sorry dahil hindi ko na-develop sayo ng mabuti yung talino mo sa subject ko. Alam mo, magaling ka sa akin. Saying nagkamali ako ng gabay sayo. Kaya kita naging paborito kasi most ng mga tanong ko ikaw lang ang nakakasagot. Sorry. Natutuwa nga ako sayo kasi dati yung mga maliliit na bagay, napapansin mo tapos binabanggit mo at shi-ne-share mo sa akin. Lumalapit ka kahit wala lang yung sasabihin mo. Tapos yun nga nagalit ka. Akala ko okay na kasi nung exposure trip, naging ganun ka ulit kasi tinawag mo ako kahit malayo ka na tapos sinabi mo na pumunta ka ng mcdo para bumili nung ice cream ata. Wala lang, shinare mo lang. tapos biglang wala na ulit. Pero sorry pa rin. I really mean it.

Sorry sa inyong dalawa, alam kong wala nang chance para mabalik na yung dati. Or ipakita na yung dati bumalik na kasi hindi nyo na ako teacher. Basta, I want you to know that I am sorry. And im very sincere about this. Mag-iingat kayo. Ill always pray for you.

~ ~ ~

isshouni asobo!